Archive for May, 2008

Work Day!

{ May 23, 2008 @ 10:28 pm } · { Work }
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I’m happy with work—everyone is super nice except the head boss who I can’t quite figure out. He’s not really irascible—just set in his ways and hard to read. He’s rough around the edges, has a funny sense of humor, and knows what he wants. Noemy–the woman who solely runs the accounting department–is the person I work with in a separated office all day. I like her a lot—she’s friendly, stylish, thorough, extremely organized, but doesn’t carry tasks through all the way, mostly because she’s so busy. She’s from Mexico where most of her family lives and has two children, one 12, the other 6 1/2.

I’m worried because she isn’t giving me a lot to do and sometimes she explains tasks in ways that make sense to her because she’s been doing it for a long time. But it’s Greek to me and it takes time to settle in. I hope I don’t make an obvious mistake!! *I already have and hope it won’t come up….XD

It’s a very nice business and I like the hours. The only problem is this dichotomy b/t briskly professional and casually loose. My schedule is set—8-2 every day. But lunch is flexible (1/2 an hr) and no breaks are required. Part of the problem is that I wasn’t given a very thorough introduction. I don’t know what holidays I’m allotted. But I’m part time so most of it doesn’t apply anyway.

So far I’ve sorted through the sea of paperwork that Noemy has had to contend with and sideline.  Invoices from last summer had to be sorted and put in books. I have my own desk and computer in front of hers and the side office is a collection of empty rooms and the president’s office (but he isn’t there most of the time). It’s a bit run down but homey. And there’s no danger of gossip or having too much fun because everyone is a lot older than me (my parent’s age mostly) and the boss is always walking around. People come in and out of the office to chat (mostly because it’s a chance to take a break XP) but it’s just casual banter like talking about travel and current events.

Adam, Noemy, and…Karen? took me out to lunch. That was really sweet—I like the atmosphere a lot. I hope I don’t disappoint them!

Bitter about men—what else?!

{ May 22, 2008 @ 3:50 am } · { Personal }
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Seriously—what else. I’ve had so many disappointing men in my life—and not all significant others. Family members, friends, coworkers, and classmates. Sometimes they were interested in me, sometimes they weren’t. And sometimes I wish they were. Or conversely that they forgot I existed. Every time someone flirts with me I’m not in the least bit interested in I mentally roll my eyes and heave a huge sigh. Why?!?!?! AGAIN!! I’ve been secretly yearning for someone to fall madly in love with me, someone with whom I returned the interest just as pastionately. Is that too much to ask? Again someone made advances the other day and I’m just so….hm. I don’t know the right word—not sad or disappointed because usually I really like these guys, typically they’ve become really good friends I wouldn’t mind getting to know a little better. Or a lot. Just not romantically. Am I that turned off to everyone?!? What’s wrong with me? Maybe I’m sparing myself without knowing it—not letting myself get to that desperate point where anything with legs counts. Ok—maybe not that bad. But close.

My dad is a huge disappointment—all my life I’ve looked for his approval and sanction but never received it. I understood when I was younger that I wasn’t mature enough, hadn’t yet been presented with the opportunities that would make him proud. As if. No matter how hard I try it’s never good enough. Just what is it about me that he’s so disppointed with? The fact that I’m 100% verbal with no math whatsoever? That I’m a girl? That I’m a lot dumber than he is in all the fields he excels in? That I’m still living at home? That I shop and carelessly spend money?

Personally, it all boils down to the same thing. Self esteem. I shop, diet, and hang out with friends to make myself feel better. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. I’m not internally unhappy anymore—I’m pretty content with myself. Some short term stuff like image is a hang up now and them but in the grand scheme of things I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. No regrets here. It’s just everything around me that’s depressing. I finally have a job but I’m still dumb at math. I can write any essay, type 85 words a minute,  write corporate letters, and churn out an impressive novel but I can’t add for anything. I never have difficulty with words and love language, especially Japanese. So what am I supposed to do with myself?! Money favors the talented and the prepared. I.E. definitely not someone like me.

So I’m stuck—again. *sigh* I have a job at least, good friends, stuff to do, and a place to live. I buy what I want and am pretty content with myself. It’s just that there’s nothing else that I have to look forward to. I’m 23—practically dead I know—and still in a place I’m not happy with. My dad just makes my life so awful because he dredges up all the ugly stuff I don’t like and try to ignore. I don’t know if I’m encouraging my own lifestyle by being lazy about it or am finally content with my life. What’s the difference?!?!

Always a new door….

{ May 15, 2008 @ 3:43 am } · { Personal }
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Always a new door opens. I’m grateful for that, but upset at the same time. Not that opportunities continue to present themselves, or that I feel I haven’t done anything to deserve them (although in truth I haven’t ><), it’s that I’m upset that doors need to keep opening.

But I’m so grateful to everyone and everything that has helped me so far—now I’m a crossroads yet again with 3 potential jobs.

One I already have: Anthropologie. My first shift is this Sunday which I’m super nervous about but excited too. I had my training 2 1/2 weeks ago.

The second is a definite maybe—I sent in a resume for Babies ‘R’ Us but haven’t heard back yet. That would be a lot of fun—being around pregnant women all day XD But I’m learning a lot by interacting with Theo–things I never knew about infants before so I’d love the opportunity to socialize and help people in that area of retail.

The third Adam helped me arrange—it’s through a family member, his grandfather’s business actually, so I feel a lot of pressure to ‘make him proud of me’ even though he’s my cousin-in-law. But he’s invested so much attention and interest in me already, which I always feel I haven’t warranted, that I really want to show results for all of his time. And I respect and look up to him a lot. It’s a small electric company and the position is a bit out of my league—accounting using a program I’m not familiar with which will definitely come up in the interview. But like the last place I interviewed at it’s close, right off the freeway, and has really good hours and pay.

I think I’ve learned a lot in the dozen or so interviews I’ve been through and failed: I know what to say, what not to say, what they’re expecting, and what they’ll never tell you even after they’ve rejected your application. Some people are hard to read, others you trust immediately and get a false impression from. A few I’ve known right away that we didn’t click and they weren’t looking for someone like me and my prescence only confirmed it. I’ve walked out of an interview like that: knowing that I’d never work with someone like that, that I didn’t meet her expectations, and more importantly that I’m glad it didn’t go well because I’m better for not ever working there. I happily strolled out relieved I’d at least seen the truth.

But this time I really want the job—even more than the last one I had my heart set on. It’s human nature to count on something, allow a little hope, and even begin to build expectations around it. I hate that part of me: I want to silence and bury it every time I see that little glimmer of hope. Hope never helped anyone who failed, it just made them feel worse. I don’t like setting myself up for a fall but maybe it’s just that I don’t want to fall in the first place *sigh*

I just really hope this goes well! *crosses fingers*

In a Funk…

{ May 8, 2008 @ 12:35 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I’m in a bit of a funk—I haven’t done anything in a while since my Anthropologie training last Thurs. Except buy stuff >< NHL season is over, my plants are blooming though not with really noticeable growth yet (my pea gave birth!! XD), I’m chatting about AX, adding to my loli costume, reading about the Sung Dynasty, and trying to do EVERYTHING possible to forget I have to study for the GMAT. Which just means the more I try to forget the more I remember. I’ll study tomorrow—2 weeks and I haven’t opened it!! WAAAH! *cries*