Archive for July, 2008

How Prepared Are You?

{ July 31, 2008 @ 6:21 pm } · { Family, Life, Personal }
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…for anything? And by that I do mean anything. Like when I was 10 and my family came home to the place we had lived in all our lives and knew better than we sometimes knew ourselves only to find jewelry scattered across the floor and the stereo ripped out.

I think there’s a sociological theory somewhere of a slowly diminishing scale of heightened awareness and fear that usually lasts about a week. For me it was a few months, the images of belongings we thought were precious torn apart burned into my brain so that I began to feverishly hoard things. There’s a crawl space I used to put jewelry, passports, checks, credit card information in case they’re stolen, social security cards, and other valuables. Now I’ve become so lazy I don’t even know where my flashlight is.

One thing I’ve gotten pretty good about is remembering each night before I go to sleep: if I woke up at 2am to a burning house what would I grab first? I keep my purse and keys in one place, my laptop next to a carry bag in another with the cord wrapped up, and a charger. I need to start putting my other valuable electronics in there too–my iPod, camera, and denshi jisho. But my dog trumps gadgets no matter how fancy.

I learned in college how much you can live without, especially after studying abroad in Japan for 7 months living out of a small suitcase. The answer: practically everything. Until I permanently settle down in my own house I don’t have furniture. My stuff is: 1/4 memories (photos, dolls), 1/2 clothes/linens, 1/4 gadgets, 1/4 books. After college it was about 10 boxes, now it’s probably more like 13. But I’ve developed a habit of giving away something for every new thing I purchase like a book, mostly because I have to be space-efficient. I have a hope chest of things I want to share with my children–it’s an old 1800s steamer trunk filled with American Girl dolls, a few Barbies, and baby clothes–all in mint condition. But my most important possessions aside from electronics are my books. I have a well-thumbed collection of classics and contemporary favorites that I could never part with save in an emergency.

But I need to get better about hiding things–thank goodness for being a perfectionist though–my room is always as tidy as the Smithsonian (I was going to say museum but the one at my alma mater was a study in eclectic chaos).

Athletic Excellence

{ July 31, 2008 @ 5:40 pm } · { Life, Running }
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“Out on the accidental frontiers of human possibility, the best athletes are produced by a perfect storm of circumstance: rare natural talents; state-of-the-art training; and a deep wash in the murk of psychology, where, perhaps most mysterious of all, ferocious ambition, discipline and capacity for self-sacrifice reside.” Mark Levine for the New York TImes

I’ve caught a glimpse of that burning, white-hot intensity where your body becomes a lung and everything inside you is a tool to propel you forward. I’m a born-runner, and by that I don’t mean that I’m particularly good at it–it’s just the one excercise where I feel at home. I think a lot of factors come into play that helped me settle on that one particular sport like Phelps’ background in the article that helped him find his way to the pool. It’s a solitary sport–I don’t do well trying to predict and rely on the actions of teammates–and I like the quiet moments of just interacting with my own head. It’s cathartic. And I think the most wonderful thing for me about running is that it pits me against myself. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my own skin and feel that I’m only now just beginning to grow into it. My adolescence was wild and rocky plagued with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy. There was a time I even hated myself. But running allowed me to look that demon in the face, to push the limits of what I thought I was capable of and then laugh at myself, ‘Hah–you didn’t think you could do it, did you??’ It’s a slap in the face of anyone who ever said I wasn’t good enough.

I love to run–there’s one sentence I’ve come up with that best describes the feeling: my whole body becomes a lung. I can feel my indrawn breath scraping against the bottom of my lungs, feel the oxygen being exchanged and the slow build up of lactic acid. I like to isolate certain muscles, driving my thighs forward with one stride, my arms the next. I pound my calves into the pavement, thrust my glutes forward while making sure I’m still tilted slightly backwards.

Music can be a distraction but my iPod has improved my performance and endurance. Part of the problem, aside from the pain, is that I get bored easily with only an interior monologue for company. But music sends euphoric waves through my body and lifts my legs higher. My soul responds to music, my body to running.

Um…weird head avoidance???

{ July 30, 2008 @ 3:36 pm } · { Food }
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Um….this might sound a bit weird but I found out something else about my food squeamishness last night. My mom saved a tiny octopus from a dinner she went to since I mentioned I like tako (octopus) salad. It was about 2 inches long with long, thin purple tentacles. It was actually quite pretty and looked like a pickled alien sitting on a petri dish. I stared at it for a minute, wondering which part was the head. I like the tentacles–that wasn’t so bad and it had been cooked in a delicious broth. But then I reached the main body part which I thought was the head. So I left it on the plate and when my dad asked why he laughed and said I’d already eaten the head. Feeling distinctly nauseous I quickly disposed of the decapitated invertebrate and tried to finish the rest of my tofu. 

NOTE: for all those who find this disgusting please stop reading. I only eat seafood, and a select few at that, so I’ve been trying to be a bit more gastronomically adventurous…which isn’t working

I stayed up all night, haunted by the thought that I had eaten it’s brain. When I looked up the anatomy of an octopus I was relieved to find that I might not have eaten its head–its eyes and small brain are located on the upper portion about where the body meets the tentacles. But thank goodness I didn’t eat the body where all the organs are. For my birthday my mom ordered whole lobster—which came….whole. Cracking it open its guts had to be removed which makes for lovely dinner conversation. I was so sick I finished my cocktail and excused myself.

Is this weird? It’s not that I feel bad for eating other creatures–I would have to hunt to obtain protein anyway as it’s been since the dawn of time. I won’t make a vegetarian argument since I’m only a pesco–but why do I have such an aversion to eating anything whole??

Burden of Independence

{ July 30, 2008 @ 3:26 pm } · { Family, Finances, Life, Personal }
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*sigh* There’s so much to think about *all* the time!! I used to crave independence and dreamed of the day I would do everything myself. Now it’s a miracle if I can get 1/2 of the things on my list done. I have to make a doctor appointment, hair appointment, massage appointment, order prescriptions when they run out, keep a log so I know when my car needs a check-up, pay for gas, buy groceries, water the plants on the deck, go to school, go to work, deposit checks, pay my credit card bill, pay cable, charge all 10 gadgets I use daily, bathe the dog and wash linens once a week, walk and feed the dog every day, feed my beta, clean the tank, and finish homework. This doesn’t include all the cooking, cleaning, and other miscellaneous housework without which my domestic comfort would drown in a sea of dirty laundry and grimy counter tops.

Which is why I have no room in my life for anything but the above list lol But you stack up your priorities in life and have to manage them according to what’s most important to you. I have a beta, a cocker spaniel, and a vegetable garden which take up a considerable amount of time. The rest of my time is dedicated to my family: my brother, 7 month old baby cousin, and my mom. I love to help others and when I move out I’ll have two households to run: that blog will definitely be interesting lol

Foods I like & Avoid

{ July 29, 2008 @ 6:49 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Unfortunately it’s usually both lol I’m a…what’s it called? Pesco-vegetarian? I hate meat–I found out I don’t even like buying it in a store for someone but I love seafood. No animal-cruelty reason really–I just don’t like it….lol Which is how I am with most food–no reason, just don’t like it XP

Foods I’m particularly fond of: home-made angel food cake, Japanese food–esp. miso shiru & tofu, seaweed (I know–weird lol), mochi, beans like veggie chili, soy dogs, salad with crab meat, seafood (esp. shrimp), cereal (mostly kashi), bananas (I get violent when I don’t have one every day), mushrooms, grilled veggies with salt (the only way I can eat eggplant), whipped cream, nuts, spinach with egg substitute & salsa, white corn, daikon, oshinko, raw cucumber & tomatos sliced with a little salt (perfect after a run), and carrots

Foods I’m like & need to eat less of or avoid altogether: chocolate, carbs (at least I eat healthier, more whole grain choices), cookies, processed food, and sugar, sugar, sugar lol

Foods I need to eat more of: yogurt/dairy, fruit (I used to eat mostly fruit but I kind of got tired of it after awhile), soy milk, protein (my mom’s always bugging me about it *sigh*)

Foods I Absolutely Can’t Stand: Eggplant (ick–major ick), strong cheese (which is most of them lol), fried foods, cream, eggs (except egg substitute–I don’t like the yolk), mayo, all meat, sugary soda, beer, avacado, papaya, whole peaches (I don’t like the fuzzy skin…eww….), hominy (if you don’t know, don’t ask…it smells like an outhouse…), couscous, kiwi, oysters (eww….), tomato juice, and parsley

Sweet Indulgences: low-fat ice cream/frozen yogurt, ichigo miruku, daifuku, coffee cake (I get a craving for it once a year)

My Garden Trials

{ July 29, 2008 @ 4:26 pm } · { Gardening }
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I haven’t posted about my garden in a while and I just realized it’s because I’m embarrassed of my failures. I always thought that meant I don’t have a green thumb, and maybe I don’t. But I still keep experimenting and trying new varities. Part of the problem is the unhealthy, rocky soil my house was built on so most of my vegetables grow in pots.

I tried corn: a few came out small while two of the stocks succumbed to beetles before I noticed the problem. But it was an interesting experiment. I’m also growing 4 different types of tomatos. It’s a bit frustrating because 2 of them are larger varities like a roma so they take longer to ripen. But even with the yellow pear and large cherry they turn red a few at a time. I guess you’re supposed to have more than one of each kind so they ripen in clumps. But I tasted a store-bought cherry tomato and compared it with the ones from my garden: I never noticed the difference before! And it’s huge: the ones from the store taste like paste. I can’t even tell what’s tomato-ish about them except that they have small seeds and they’re red. The ones from the garden taste like sunshine, earth, and rain. They’re incredible!!

The other two are Amish Paste and a roma of some kind–they’re the largest I’ve ever attempted to grow and two I put inside vertically hanging upside-down planters which help elevate them from pests but unfortunately the only place I have to hang them is a bit too shady. But they’re still doing really well–the green cylindrical fruits are about the size of my palm! And they come in all sorts of weird, twisted shapes: long and bullet-shaped, kinked like a lima bean, or dumpy like a squash. I can’t wait to taste them!

Mom’s zucchini was a disappointment–it was always sickly and I accidentally let her basil flower. But the peppers are doing really well–there’s a typical, long spicy yellow one but the other is a weird, yellow mushroom-shaped one with a medium flavor. Both the peppers and tomatos are transplants from Seed Savers and they’ve been doing extremely well overall. I didn’t have as much luck with seeds though. I can’t wait to try new ones next year!

Living Through Fear

{ July 29, 2008 @ 4:12 pm } · { Life, Lists, Personal }
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Living bravely as I mentioned in a previous post is taking risks and doing something unexpected–jolting yourself out of your normal day-to-day routine. One way to do this is by confronting your fears. It doesn’t have to be a phobia necessarily like a fear of heights–that can take a long time to work on but it’s a good goal to have in the long run. Start by working on your smaller fears first.

I didn’t think I had any at first–I just have big and medium-sized fears. Bugs, especially spiders, consitute a middle-range fear. The bigger ones are more abstract however like a fear of dependency, claustrophobia, and pain. But when I started making a list I noticed a few that didn’t fall into either category or used to be more of an issue when I was younger. A perfect example is money. My parents fought about it a lot when I was little and though money is not a concern for our family I was always painfully concious of it. I agonized over buying a toy and would often return it because I would feel guilty which led to an ingrained indecisiveness. It almost became pathological at one point but gradually as I became more independent and starting managing my own money, decisions became easier and I didn’t feel as guilty when I knew I was working hard to pay for it.

But still traces of this fear persist so when I make a big purchase it’s almost an adrenaline rush because half of my brain is telling me it wasn’t a smart choice. So I live bravely by confronting that inner voice, looking at the decision objectively, and evaluating it based on the pros and cons. So I bought a 400$ dress–I just bought 150$ worth of accessories for it and it felt amazing. I live bravely by being good to myself–it may sound strange but for some people that’s hard to do. I always put others first and myself last so I enjoy being selfish every once in a while. Sometimes being brave has to start with small steps. My next challenge will be a bit harder: sky diving!

Who I really am & not who I think I should be

{ July 23, 2008 @ 7:22 pm } · { Family, Personal }
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Long title but I just read an interesting article about Chris Travis of Sentient Architecture who designs homes centered around the emotional needs and past experiences of his clients. So what would my future, ideal home look like if it’s based on who I really am?

My perception of myself is always forward-thinking and immediate. It’s who I am at this moment and who’ll I’ll be in the next moment. It’s completely disconnected from the person I am leading up to the now. Case in point: curiously there is a lapse in my memory covering the span of my turbulent late teen years–I was a wild child but I don’t really regret anything I did. But try as I might I still can’t remember the first few years of high school.

But back to the first question: what would my ideal home look like? What are my most treasured memories? Definitely family oriented, a large backyard with fruit trees and lots of open spaces.

  1. One room, preferably the dining room, would be red like my aunt’s first home
  2. A moss-covered entrance or back courtyard like my maternal grandmother’s apartment
  3. Cool filtered light throughout the day and tons of solid wood furniture like my paternal grandparents’ home
  4. Old Victorian architectural features like my aunt’s current home. Faceted glass knobs on interior doors and archways leading room to room. I also like the eclectic art pieces she’s collected on her travels that are scattered throughout her home.

I’ve always has a curious interest in houses: schisms and changes in the structure of my family have always involved moving to a new home. When my aunt got divorced and moved out of her rambling ranch house I missed it and wrote about its nostalgic charm in my journal. When my grandmother passed away it was really hard to get through but just as hard was letting go of my childhood attachment to her apartment. The green maze-like carpet, the 50s style kitchen with a wicker chandelier and plastic covered seats, the organized neatness of her clean-smelling home and the way she would fill the bright kitchen with her humming. When my father’s parents either pass away or move I’ll miss their home more than I know. I grew up in that house, my cousins grew up in that house, and my family grew up in that house. We celebrate every Christmas Eve there and it felt weird the one time my father’s sister hosted it.

So I think my future home, since my inner soul revolves around family and love, would reflect pieces of my past, and pieces of people I’ve loved. I would buy a carved Chinese stool, a glass lantern filled with plants, a hammock that creaks, and hang up the picture my uncle painted of a Japanese garden and remember the people and moments in my life they reflect.

Theo

{ July 23, 2008 @ 3:40 pm } · { Family, Life, Personal }
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Little sunshine–he’s so cute! 6 1/2 months now he still doesn’t understand crawling–it’s almost like his legs won’t bend. But he’s very active and wants to be entertained constantly. I’m getting over my baby-hesitancy and love to roll around with him on the floor. I still can’t change diapers, quickly slip a onesie over his head without him pitching a fit, or feed him with a spoon but I’m determined to learn. I only help babysit him on Tuesdays when my mom brings him to our house but I like to give her a break. Plus it’s fun to sing nonsensical melodies, try to get a belly-laugh out of him, and help him explore the world.

One part I don’t like: the drool factor. You may laugh but it’s true: he drools. A lot. Think St. Bernard only cuter with far less hair. In fact, he doesn’t really have any hair except behind his ears. He can’t stand noise and needs a vacuum seal to take a nap, babbles in an attempt to immitate, and pulls hair. Babies aren’t so bad actually–in fact, I’m almost inspired to have one. *Almost*.

But he really brightens my day–I know living and caring for a child day-in and day-out can definitely take a toll on both you and the infant but it’s so cathartic to just come home and let everything go, to see through his eyes a very simple and entertaining world. I always rush home after work on Tuesdays and get there just as he’s being put down for a nap. So I wait expectantly until I hear that first cry about an hour and 1/2 later and rush to be the first to gently scoop him up. I love that feeling–picking up a crying infant and helping him wake up. Not sure why–strange lol It’s just very wholesome and nurturing.

How I love life (and live it bravely)

{ July 22, 2008 @ 8:19 pm } · { Life, Lists, Personal }
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I don’t take as many risks as I should: we only live once and I think it’s when we challenge our reservations and defy our sense of self that we truly deepen our understanding not just of who we are but of life.

I need to be braver socially: I’m too quiet and hesitant to speak out with both friends and colleagues. I need to act in memorable ways for those acts to be remembered like leaving kind notes on a co-worker’s desk.

But I did skip class for the first time yesterday–it was simply exhilerating. It’s amazing to me that the only thing that was pushing perfect attendance was my fear of disappointing my professor. I knew the material, had studied the chapter, and understood the problems. His method of teaching confused me and I didn’t want to get lost in the material. But I still felt I had to go despite my convictions.

I feel connected to life when I do the unexpected. Maybe it’s because that’s the polar opposite of who I am–I’m not a complete control freak but I do like to chart a course several months in advance and have a hard time with spontaneity. It’s exhilarating–that’s the only word I can use to adequately pen down the effervescent and liberating feeling that sweeps over me when I break out of the norm like a strong, refreshing breeze.

What else do I do to seize the moment and grab hold of the reins of life? Not much I’m afraid. I did buy a 450$ dress from Japan I only plan to wear a few times a year, I indulge a select few naughty habits (like frozen yogurt at 10 pm), and go to bed a 6pm. Doesn’t sound exciting? But the sad part is that it is exciting, at least to me. I’m way too rigid like a tree being held in its constricting bark corset. I look at other 20-somethings my age and wonder why they look like they’re having a lot more fun than me and look younger and happier. Maybe it’s because they are. I can be too–I just need to let myself.

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