Archive for Life
{ September 21, 2008 @ 11:14 pm }
·
{ Family, Life, Personal, School }
{ }
·
{ }
Since I haven’t written in a while….
Sharon called me while I was at a lecture about Walgreens. She’s doing well in Florida but the workload is overwhelming. I can totally relate. She said she’ll be going home for a month next summer (I wish I could visit her in Malaysia!!!) but she’ll be back around the time I graduate so I think I’ll stop by and visit. She’s staying in a large townhouse with Michelle, another international student from Linfield, so there’ll be plenty of room for a guest. I can’t wait!! Even a month into this dreaded program I’m dreaming about graduation. I want to travel!!! I’m not sure of the quality of visiting must-see sights on my own. I’ve only ever traveled with family or friends like when I stayed in Japan. I know I want to visit China for a few days. I’ve been dreaming about Beijing for years–in under a week you can see the Forbidden City, tombs of emperors, and the Great Wall!! (plus most hotels have amazing spa packages). On the way there or back I’d like to visit Sharon and Lee. We’re all so busy with school I don’t want to bother them during Christmas (I only have a week off anyway).
My grandpa has to have radiation because the cancer in his stomach was later determined to be Stage 2. Poor guy! We all complemented him after his surgery because he looks younger and healthier than he has in years.
Other than that nothing much. I don’t think I’m going to go to Y-Con. Reading manga is good enough XP Maybe next year. I know I’m wasting a 40$ ticket but do I really want to go to a con with raving fangirls?? (And I mean raving). I know I have a beautiful outfit to wear but no one wants to go so I’ll hold off for now. I slept all day yesterday (a 4 hour nap then I crashed at 4pm and woke up at 9. Chatted with my parents, then went back to bed until 6am) It’s probably because of my 1/2 business presentation on Friday. It was so nerve-wracking but I’ve gotten better at presenting.
So next week is a regular school week. In two weeks I have Wed. off so I think I’ll get a massage *sighs happily* I’d rather spend 200$ on a massage than a nice purse any day. My goal when I have a substantial income: get a massage every weekend lol
{ September 11, 2008 @ 7:48 pm }
·
{ Life, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
As the days get longer, the classwork harder, work challenges more tedious, and my eyelids seem to become impossbily heavy I find myself often imagining a sunny island somewhere surrounded by an impassable atoll. I suprise myself because usually the sand in all manner of places does it for me. It’s fun when you a kid and you can play around in the surf all day. When you’re older, you worry about sunburn, who’s looking at you’re new bikini, if you’re staying hydrated enough to make your skin glow, and if the sand is giving you a rash. Like I said, an impossible dream if it features me on a beach. Or I must be desperate.
Personally I’m just looking forward to that Pearly Gate day called ‘Graduation’. As far off as it seems I feel like I’m floating toward it as if I’ve been given wings. It’s a narrow dot of light, as distant as a star, but I never lose sight of it. I keep thinking of ‘what ifs’ which somehow seem to make the now more bearable. What if I made a 6-figure salary, what if I could save a portion of my school loan to cover a round-trip flight somewhere. So I’ll indulge myself–if only because I was up until 2:30am writing a marketing report, almost slept in too late, ran to work, and was greeted by a *mountain* of paperwork *sigh*.
If I had that much money…I would buy a brand new apartment that allows dogs so I wouldn’t worry about fleas from the pets of previous owners. It would be on the top or nearly the top floor with a wide breezy balcony and impossible views. The horizon would always be clear, the wind sweet. There would be miles of golden hardwood in every room that reflect the amber lamplight like gold. I would have one shag carpet in the living room to add a little warmth, texture, and toe-comfort. The living room would be modern, a deep leather couch and artful coffee table in the shape of driftwood or some bulbous statue. The classic, marble fireplace would be gas, the mantle filled with items from my travels. The dining room would be mostly vintage wood pieces lending it a Victorian/medieval feel. A solid, extremely heavy table that fits seven and was probably carved right out of the tree. There would be a sideboard on clawed lion’s paws and two sturdy brass candlesticks. I’m more flexible on the kitchen–preferably dark marble countertops to knead bread on, a 4 burner stove, and a deep oven with several racks. A microwave, mixer, and neat porcelain jars lined up like little buddhas that contain all number of things. The entrance hall would have a small table with a relaxing image and religious statue, preferably a water feature with wall hangings the color of the surface of a pond when it’s hit by sunlight. There would be no clocks, no obvious signs of the hectic pace of modern life. No 80s answering machine just inside the door or ponderous grandfather clock ticking away the seconds of your life. My bedroom would be the same–an impossibly wide bed as soft as a cloud with thick yet breatheable comforters and half a dozen lumpy and decorative pillows. There would be a nightstand on either side for balance but soothing decorative pieces instead of electronics (I would have to put up with an alarm clock though). Plants would be scattered throughout if they could be guaranteed to stay healthy without direct sunlight–maybe I would just permit one in the bathroom to add life to an unhealthy area.
{ September 2, 2008 @ 6:44 pm }
·
{ Family, Life, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
Do I miss August? Considering I don’t know where it went…I’m not too sure. Not much has happened–Pepi had his surgery last Tues. and so far he looks amazing and says he feels a lot better. I managed to get through my first week of MBA classes and Mike started school this morning. Last week it was a consistent 95 degrees. Lucky is acting a lot better–she looks healthier and acts more energetic ever since mom started cooking meals for her (plain pasta, sweet potatos, plain meat like boiled chicken, and cooked carrots). She’s a real pampered pooch now.
I Just learned that Christina Kirk is married. That’s the first old-friend I’ve known who’s married besides Nicole. It’s funny–in college a senior I was close to who was a serious athlete (we were also on the chaplain’s team together) got engaged then married to Josh who was a senior in my major department. Why do athletes always get married first?! And Josh wasn’t even a jock though he was the captain of the ultimate frisbee team. Not fair! lol
Work is ok–because I only go 2x a week there’s a lot of work to do so I often stay longer to get everything done. I feel super guilty but there’s nothing I can do about it. Dad keeps saying he wanted me to take a 2 year program instead so I could keep working. But full time + school is never a good mix no matter how many classes you’re taking. I’d rather take more classes than work hours–it’s easier that way and even if you have time to study at work you can’t concentrate very well. It’s working out so far and I like it this way. Plus, even if it was a 2 year program, I still wouldn’t be able to commit 100% to work. I want a job I can completely commit to without distractions. I’d rather sacrifice 1 year rather than 2. But we’ll see how things go. My only regret is that I wish I had more money ><. But who doesn’t?
My plan to visit Lee during Christmas was a little too hasty–I don’t even have time for doctor appointments let alone taking a vacation. I think I get a week off for Christmas–most of which will be spent wrapping presents and sleeping. In reverse order of course. *sigh* I need to start thinking about x-mas gifts but I’m a diagnosed shopoholic which is putting me majorly in debt (thank heavens for parents who pay for 200$ textbooks. There’s a running joke in marketing that *someone* is getting seriously rich off students).
I haven’t visited Cassie in awhile–I’m just trying to slog through 3 hours or more of studying a day. If I keep at it, it becomes more like habit so I don’t dread it as much. I’ve been watching Sherlock Holmes again–I don’t have the attention span for anime right now (I can’t remember plots past one episode with so much other stuff in my head). The apples are falling, my tomatos are still doing well, but dumb aphids keep attacking random things like rhubarb.
So lots of things I’m juggling in my head. I’m really tired today but the three-day weekend definitely helped me catch up on sleep, which is pretty much all I did. We’re walking Lucky around the park again–I got discouraged for awhile because I thought she couldn’t make it anymore but you just have to be super patient with her. Mom went to a female impressionist exhibit in SF yesterday–I’m glad she was able to get out of the house and spend some time by herself. She bought me a T-shirt in China town–got rice. Hilarious! Um, not much else except the grim presidential election coming up. Don’t ask. Just don’t.
{ August 28, 2008 @ 6:34 pm }
·
{ Life, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
You have keep that flame alive as you get older–never forget to have fun. I often pushed that aside in college and as a result missed out on some fantastic party years. It’s been a big step for me–to realize that I don’t have to do everything and be ok with it. I can let go now and set aside time for myself to have fun. It can be hard and may actually require work but it’s definitely worth the effort.
I’ve been acting like a kid for days–the reason? Sims 2 Apartment Life. I’ve slowly been delving into the game exploring one new feature at a time. How do people climb the spiral staircase? What do witches do? What does the community look like? I was so excited I rushed home from school and hit ‘install’ like a kid in a candy store then bounced around the room while I waited for it to load. I jealously checked new screenshots and read blogs–Simmers in Europe had received the game two days ago. Nothing else mattered–not the mountain of reading asignments that I had purposefully left in my car, not the hectic work schedule that awaited me the next day nor the powerpoint attachment in an e-mail a friend sent to check my notes. I was happy, free, and indulging in a little R & R. Embarrassed? Maybe, if I was in public. Do I regret it? Not in the least.
{ August 20, 2008 @ 7:18 pm }
·
{ Life, Personal, School }
{ }
·
{ }
And with that acknowledgement comes it’s evil green-eyed twin: jealousy. Envy of those whose lives are relatively care-free or those who are presented with optimistic and rose-tinted options. I make decisions because I have to according to the suffocatingly stuffy precept of ‘it’s supposed to be better for me in the long run…’ Choice A or B won’t make me happier or offer moments of fun versus its counterpart that’s comparatively boring and droll. I have to make decisions that leave me crying because both are necessary and to remove one is like losing a limb. But I’m not really attached to either one which only stirs up the emotional whirlwind even more.
I have to decide between working and getting an MBA. Let’s see….suffering through countless hours of studying awful subjects I’ll never even begin to understand versus working at a slow but comfortable accounting desk for a low hourly rate. Needless to it didn’t take me very long to come up with the short list of pros and cons. It’s money now, though very little, versus increased salary in the nebulous future if I emerge a graduate. That’s really what it comes down to because in my heart I know I don’t want to do this program but the sad and very frightening truth is: what else would I do with myself?
So either way I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do but isn’t that life? I just like to be willfully ignorant most of the time as most people are and pretend I have a choice in the matter. Is that too much to ask? I hate it when I’m forced to make a decision I know I have to make anyway and it’s not one I’m going to enjoy. Major frustration! Which is why, when my brain spaces out from too little sleep and too much stress I indulge in a little jealously. I’m jealous of my cousin who’s married to a wonderful man with a perfect baby, lives in a neat house, and is a corporate lawyer but her husband just told her she doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to. The money he receives from a family business is more than enough to support them even when factoring in the six figures she must have been making. It’s not fair!
I want what everyone wants and what continues to elude me despite my best efforts to capture it: happiness.
I thought as a child that happiness was a given, that it was something that came with being an adult and making your own decisions. They would ultimately lead you where you wanted to go and you had money and maturity to support you. But I know now happiness is more valuable than money and harder to come by. Those who have it are the richest people in the world and can slow down and appreciate their lives while everyone else struggles with hating their own.
I know I have nothing to complain about and that life has been kinder to me than most. But I’ve also had my hard knocks too and been between a rock and a hard place more times that I can count. There have been decisions that have been life altering, some smart choices while others were doomed to failure from the start. The hardest part about making a decision, for me, is simply deciding with the certainty that it’s the right choice. How do you know? How does anyone know? Down one path is bitter misery, down the other a road of happiness bathed in sunshine. I’ve walked through more thorn briars than I can count and have many scars to prove it. But I’m no wiser than I was when I was 10 and often wish I could start all over again. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I’ve made and I feel that I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting for recognition, for acceptance, for education, for money, for independence, for love, for identity, and for faith. I’m tired–I don’t want to fight anymore. Every hill looms even taller than the last and I still haven’t caught my breath. I don’t think I ever will. I want happiness but I think even more I just want peace. I don’t want to be a part of this hectic, fast-paced world that steals your sanity and your sense of balance. It’s an awful, empty feeling that’s only partially filled by the love of others. I’m just….tired.
{ August 20, 2008 @ 3:47 pm }
·
{ Family, Life, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
My mother’s birthday is one of the big events of the year. I love giving gifts and planning parties so family birthdays and Christmas are always a huge undertaking requiring several months of shopping and organizing. It’s fun to try and find something unusual that the other person can use instead of just a decorative piece. I try and come up with themes and usually try a few new recipes. I bake a cake for my dog, set aside a special day for my mother, and buy a gift for each member of the family on Christmas. My mother and I are the givers in the family–my dad and younger brother are the complete opposite and wouldn’t know how to wrap a gift to save their lives (that’s always been my official duty). In fact most of my family is like that but it makes me even more determined to take up the slack. I’ve always sent cards ever since I was little even though it’s now become an almost archaic art. You send a card saying simply, ‘I was thinking of you today…’ but the reactions you receive range from surprise to embarrassment. Sending a greeting card is usually reserved for formal occasions, birthdays, or thank yous. But my mom and I happily disregard this rule and send each other notes every chance we get.
So this year I gave her several gifts from Williamsburg, a new table cloth, a book, and several small items. My brother and I pool money and buy her flowers, a cake, and balloons. I decorate the house the day before according to a set color scheme and light candles when she comes home. I kept recipes simple this year after the Mother’s Day fiasco (I stayed up until 2am trying to bake a Boston Creme Pie. It turned out ok after the 3rd try–but there was only half a cake). I made granola for Greek yogurt parfaits and poured warm honey over figs decorated with a dollop of mascarpone. I bought Italian pastries and stayed away from the Martha Stewart website. Everything turned out well and the banana cake I bought was lovingly made by hand at a patisserie. So this year seems a success–we’ll see when she opens the gifts!
{ August 12, 2008 @ 4:45 pm }
·
{ Life, Personal, School }
{ }
·
{ }
I’m just waiting for an e-mail confirming that I won’t get into the MBA program this year. I tried, and maybe I didn’t. At least I have one prerequisite class under my belt. My mother asked me the frightening yet unavoidable question: if you don’t go, what will your future be? I can’t answer that, but I have confidence in the immediate. I know what I’m going to do if, when, I get that e-mail. It’s hard to continue living at home but I love my family and don’t mind–it’s only embarrassing when I admit it to someone other than myself.
I plan to go to a community college and take Micro & Macro Economics plus a fun course like badminton, potter’s wheel, or Japanese to take the edge off while I continue to work. And maybe this is for the best–I probably wouldn’t be able to work at all if I started the MBA program and I have a lot of things to pay for right now (like a ticket ><). Plus I like my job. I will also apply for the JET program to give me another option and just enjoy the moment. I’m secure in my plan and know it’s the right thing to do. I love going to school but right now I want to take it slow. It’s a messy balance of give-and-take in your 20s–debating between job experience and a degree leading to a higher salary. You need both but often it’s not possible to do them at the same time. And more importantly I want both–it’s just going to be a steeper uphill slope than I thought and easing my way into it might be the best path. I don’t want to sound like I’m talking myself into an inevitable decision–I feel more comfortable taking courses at a CC than going ahead with the MBA program.
{ August 11, 2008 @ 5:14 pm }
·
{ Life, Lists }
{ }
·
{ }
I’m sure a year down the road my 23 year old self will be of interest if only because I have a memory like a used tea bag and can’t even remember what I had for breakfast. Plus it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around this age–I never imagined myself after 20 picturing it like a steep downward slope that ended in a precipitous cliff. So everything I am and everything I’m feeling is exactly what it’s like for me to be 23:
- I love to go for runs, about a mile 2-3x a week
- I take my cocker spaniel for walks
- I look forward to time spent with my 7 month-old cousin
- I’m constantly adding to my iTunes library (ABBA anyone?)
- I watch pirated anime when I can’t sleep
- I don’t have much time for reading anymore but I just bought a garden-essay book
- I like to watch my vegetables grow–I just bought a rutebega transplant
- A top item on my wish-list is a tripod–I like to tinker with my SLR camera
- I dream of having enough $ to travel (top picks: Inverness & Beijing)
- I spend what little $ I have on Japanese lolita outfits
- I study Nihongo whenever I can & watch TV Japan
- During downtime I build Victorian mansions for my Sims
- I avidly follow international news on Time & NYTimes, esp. in Asia
- I dream of visiting Malaysia with my friends Lee & Sharon
- I do as much housework as I can for my mom and like suprising her with flowers
- I like planning gifts, throwing birthday parties, and ruining cakes
- I can’t cook to save my life but at least I can make rice
{ August 11, 2008 @ 3:53 pm }
·
{ Family, Life, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
I’ve tried to find substitutes, try different sizes, temperaments, and coats but nothing comes close to the heart stopping affection that wells up within me when I so much as see a photo. The object of this overwhelming affection? Cocker Spaniels. And not just any spaniel–I’ve oohed and aahed over Britneys, Cavaliers, Field Spaniels, and Springer Spaniels but the American Cocker Spaniel steals my heart every time. Is it because of my own darling–a sweet nearly all black runt American and English mix with a beautiful, nap-loving soul who receives multiple hugs and kisses daily without complaint? Or is it just natural proclivity that indelibly settled my mind the first time I picked up a newspaper to search for local cocker spaniel breeders? All I know is that I can’t-and won’t-fight it and will always be an avid fan of Cocker Spaniels–mostly the American kind because Lucky has the eyes and nose of her American mother but the elongated body and comportment of her English father. She’s a sweetheart and was rambunctious and uncontrollable as a puppy and it broke my heart when she cried herself to sleep after we brought her home when she was just 6 weeks old. I know her habits better than my own and have an uncanny motherly instinct that’s constantly tuned in to her needs. The night before last for example I heard a soft whimper, barely discernible over the blare of the Olympics on TV. I informed my mother that Lucky was at the front door but she easily dismissed it saying that she hadn’t heard anything and that my father had taken her on a ride to drop off his parents. But I was insistent and immediately went to open the door whereupon I was greeted by a very happy spaniel.
I bake a cake for her on her birthday–the 4th of July–and occasionally give her one of her favorite foods–apple slices coated in a thin layer of peanut butter, carrots, or grilled chicken. She’s just adorable and such a sweet dog–I can’t believe I was 12 when we first got her and now I’m an adult. Time just flies–I wish I could be with her forever. I love to dress her up for Halloween which she only barely tolerates, she gets her own stocking and gifts at Christmas, and I console her whenever my mother babysits her great-nephew. On walks Lucky makes me stop every 2 feet to sniff the local dog urine telephone book and she loves to chase cats until she’s about a foot away then runs off scared. She hates water and dreads baths but lives for car rides and prefers sleeping to doing anything even remotely resembling exercise. Thank goodness we’re past the potty-training phase–I don’t think I could go through that again lol I love my dog–she’s my night and day. I know it may sound strange and Americans are famous for anthropomorphizing their pets. But my affection is natural and instinctive–not engendered by popular culture or force of habit. She earns every drop of love she receives and I immediately drop whatever I’m doing whenever she needs a hug.
{ August 8, 2008 @ 3:47 pm }
·
{ Life, Lists, Personal }
{ }
·
{ }
What did I do yesterday? I realized that I’ve only been offering snippets of my daily life and that it’s as unique as I am, even though I strive to buy the latest fashions and conform to popular dietary maxims. I’m Czech and Chinese with my heart firmly planted in Japan but I’m also in my 20s and a concerned U.S. citizen. I don’t know what the future holds or exactly where I fit in life: all I know is that, in this moment, I’m happy with who and where I am.
Yesterday–got up, ate breakfast, went to work, came home after getting gas, ate lunch while watching Charlie Wilson’s War, played Sims 2, cleaned, watered the vegetables, washed my car that had tree sap all over it (gasoline works wonders), watched clips from the Nationals gymanstic competition and a new Bleach episode with my brother, fed the dog, had dessert, took a shower, and went to bed.
OK-so maybe it wasn’t that exciting. But I got a lot done lol Today I’m dreading a letter about school *shudders* But at least it’s Friday! I’m excited because mom gets to babysit Theo on Sunday–I only got to see him for two hours this week because of my hair appointment. But I’ve never been around him at night, plus he’s been moody lately and hasn’t taken more than an hour’s nap a day for over a week now. So we’ll see what tricks he’ll pull now that he’s just started to learn the mechanics of crawling (as in a lot of squirming, wriggling, and grunting).
« Previous entries
