Amryn’s Aimless Wanderings

What did I do yesterday? I realized that I’ve only been offering snippets of my daily life and that it’s as unique as I am, even though I strive to buy the latest fashions and conform to popular dietary maxims. I’m Czech and Chinese with my heart firmly planted in Japan but I’m also in my 20s and a concerned U.S. citizen. I don’t know what the future holds or exactly where I fit in life: all I know is that, in this moment, I’m happy with who and where I am.

Yesterday–got up, ate breakfast, went to work, came home after getting gas, ate lunch while watching Charlie Wilson’s War, played Sims 2, cleaned, watered the vegetables,  washed my car that had tree sap all over it (gasoline works wonders), watched clips from the Nationals gymanstic competition and a new Bleach episode with my brother, fed the dog, had dessert, took a shower, and went to bed.

OK-so maybe it wasn’t that exciting. But I got a lot done lol Today I’m dreading a letter about school *shudders* But at least it’s Friday! I’m excited because mom gets to babysit Theo on Sunday–I only got to see him for two hours this week because of my hair appointment. But I’ve never been around him at night, plus he’s been moody lately and hasn’t taken more than an hour’s nap a day for over a week now. So we’ll see what tricks he’ll pull now that he’s just started to learn the mechanics of crawling (as in a lot of squirming, wriggling, and grunting).

Living bravely as I mentioned in a previous post is taking risks and doing something unexpected–jolting yourself out of your normal day-to-day routine. One way to do this is by confronting your fears. It doesn’t have to be a phobia necessarily like a fear of heights–that can take a long time to work on but it’s a good goal to have in the long run. Start by working on your smaller fears first.

I didn’t think I had any at first–I just have big and medium-sized fears. Bugs, especially spiders, consitute a middle-range fear. The bigger ones are more abstract however like a fear of dependency, claustrophobia, and pain. But when I started making a list I noticed a few that didn’t fall into either category or used to be more of an issue when I was younger. A perfect example is money. My parents fought about it a lot when I was little and though money is not a concern for our family I was always painfully concious of it. I agonized over buying a toy and would often return it because I would feel guilty which led to an ingrained indecisiveness. It almost became pathological at one point but gradually as I became more independent and starting managing my own money, decisions became easier and I didn’t feel as guilty when I knew I was working hard to pay for it.

But still traces of this fear persist so when I make a big purchase it’s almost an adrenaline rush because half of my brain is telling me it wasn’t a smart choice. So I live bravely by confronting that inner voice, looking at the decision objectively, and evaluating it based on the pros and cons. So I bought a 400$ dress–I just bought 150$ worth of accessories for it and it felt amazing. I live bravely by being good to myself–it may sound strange but for some people that’s hard to do. I always put others first and myself last so I enjoy being selfish every once in a while. Sometimes being brave has to start with small steps. My next challenge will be a bit harder: sky diving!

I don’t take as many risks as I should: we only live once and I think it’s when we challenge our reservations and defy our sense of self that we truly deepen our understanding not just of who we are but of life.

I need to be braver socially: I’m too quiet and hesitant to speak out with both friends and colleagues. I need to act in memorable ways for those acts to be remembered like leaving kind notes on a co-worker’s desk.

But I did skip class for the first time yesterday–it was simply exhilerating. It’s amazing to me that the only thing that was pushing perfect attendance was my fear of disappointing my professor. I knew the material, had studied the chapter, and understood the problems. His method of teaching confused me and I didn’t want to get lost in the material. But I still felt I had to go despite my convictions.

I feel connected to life when I do the unexpected. Maybe it’s because that’s the polar opposite of who I am–I’m not a complete control freak but I do like to chart a course several months in advance and have a hard time with spontaneity. It’s exhilarating–that’s the only word I can use to adequately pen down the effervescent and liberating feeling that sweeps over me when I break out of the norm like a strong, refreshing breeze.

What else do I do to seize the moment and grab hold of the reins of life? Not much I’m afraid. I did buy a 450$ dress from Japan I only plan to wear a few times a year, I indulge a select few naughty habits (like frozen yogurt at 10 pm), and go to bed a 6pm. Doesn’t sound exciting? But the sad part is that it is exciting, at least to me. I’m way too rigid like a tree being held in its constricting bark corset. I look at other 20-somethings my age and wonder why they look like they’re having a lot more fun than me and look younger and happier. Maybe it’s because they are. I can be too–I just need to let myself.