Archive for Personal
{ September 21, 2008 @ 11:14 pm }
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{ Family, Life, Personal, School }
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Since I haven’t written in a while….
Sharon called me while I was at a lecture about Walgreens. She’s doing well in Florida but the workload is overwhelming. I can totally relate. She said she’ll be going home for a month next summer (I wish I could visit her in Malaysia!!!) but she’ll be back around the time I graduate so I think I’ll stop by and visit. She’s staying in a large townhouse with Michelle, another international student from Linfield, so there’ll be plenty of room for a guest. I can’t wait!! Even a month into this dreaded program I’m dreaming about graduation. I want to travel!!! I’m not sure of the quality of visiting must-see sights on my own. I’ve only ever traveled with family or friends like when I stayed in Japan. I know I want to visit China for a few days. I’ve been dreaming about Beijing for years–in under a week you can see the Forbidden City, tombs of emperors, and the Great Wall!! (plus most hotels have amazing spa packages). On the way there or back I’d like to visit Sharon and Lee. We’re all so busy with school I don’t want to bother them during Christmas (I only have a week off anyway).
My grandpa has to have radiation because the cancer in his stomach was later determined to be Stage 2. Poor guy! We all complemented him after his surgery because he looks younger and healthier than he has in years.
Other than that nothing much. I don’t think I’m going to go to Y-Con. Reading manga is good enough XP Maybe next year. I know I’m wasting a 40$ ticket but do I really want to go to a con with raving fangirls?? (And I mean raving). I know I have a beautiful outfit to wear but no one wants to go so I’ll hold off for now. I slept all day yesterday (a 4 hour nap then I crashed at 4pm and woke up at 9. Chatted with my parents, then went back to bed until 6am) It’s probably because of my 1/2 business presentation on Friday. It was so nerve-wracking but I’ve gotten better at presenting.
So next week is a regular school week. In two weeks I have Wed. off so I think I’ll get a massage *sighs happily* I’d rather spend 200$ on a massage than a nice purse any day. My goal when I have a substantial income: get a massage every weekend lol
{ September 11, 2008 @ 7:48 pm }
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{ Life, Personal }
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As the days get longer, the classwork harder, work challenges more tedious, and my eyelids seem to become impossbily heavy I find myself often imagining a sunny island somewhere surrounded by an impassable atoll. I suprise myself because usually the sand in all manner of places does it for me. It’s fun when you a kid and you can play around in the surf all day. When you’re older, you worry about sunburn, who’s looking at you’re new bikini, if you’re staying hydrated enough to make your skin glow, and if the sand is giving you a rash. Like I said, an impossible dream if it features me on a beach. Or I must be desperate.
Personally I’m just looking forward to that Pearly Gate day called ‘Graduation’. As far off as it seems I feel like I’m floating toward it as if I’ve been given wings. It’s a narrow dot of light, as distant as a star, but I never lose sight of it. I keep thinking of ‘what ifs’ which somehow seem to make the now more bearable. What if I made a 6-figure salary, what if I could save a portion of my school loan to cover a round-trip flight somewhere. So I’ll indulge myself–if only because I was up until 2:30am writing a marketing report, almost slept in too late, ran to work, and was greeted by a *mountain* of paperwork *sigh*.
If I had that much money…I would buy a brand new apartment that allows dogs so I wouldn’t worry about fleas from the pets of previous owners. It would be on the top or nearly the top floor with a wide breezy balcony and impossible views. The horizon would always be clear, the wind sweet. There would be miles of golden hardwood in every room that reflect the amber lamplight like gold. I would have one shag carpet in the living room to add a little warmth, texture, and toe-comfort. The living room would be modern, a deep leather couch and artful coffee table in the shape of driftwood or some bulbous statue. The classic, marble fireplace would be gas, the mantle filled with items from my travels. The dining room would be mostly vintage wood pieces lending it a Victorian/medieval feel. A solid, extremely heavy table that fits seven and was probably carved right out of the tree. There would be a sideboard on clawed lion’s paws and two sturdy brass candlesticks. I’m more flexible on the kitchen–preferably dark marble countertops to knead bread on, a 4 burner stove, and a deep oven with several racks. A microwave, mixer, and neat porcelain jars lined up like little buddhas that contain all number of things. The entrance hall would have a small table with a relaxing image and religious statue, preferably a water feature with wall hangings the color of the surface of a pond when it’s hit by sunlight. There would be no clocks, no obvious signs of the hectic pace of modern life. No 80s answering machine just inside the door or ponderous grandfather clock ticking away the seconds of your life. My bedroom would be the same–an impossibly wide bed as soft as a cloud with thick yet breatheable comforters and half a dozen lumpy and decorative pillows. There would be a nightstand on either side for balance but soothing decorative pieces instead of electronics (I would have to put up with an alarm clock though). Plants would be scattered throughout if they could be guaranteed to stay healthy without direct sunlight–maybe I would just permit one in the bathroom to add life to an unhealthy area.
{ September 2, 2008 @ 6:44 pm }
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{ Family, Life, Personal }
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Do I miss August? Considering I don’t know where it went…I’m not too sure. Not much has happened–Pepi had his surgery last Tues. and so far he looks amazing and says he feels a lot better. I managed to get through my first week of MBA classes and Mike started school this morning. Last week it was a consistent 95 degrees. Lucky is acting a lot better–she looks healthier and acts more energetic ever since mom started cooking meals for her (plain pasta, sweet potatos, plain meat like boiled chicken, and cooked carrots). She’s a real pampered pooch now.
I Just learned that Christina Kirk is married. That’s the first old-friend I’ve known who’s married besides Nicole. It’s funny–in college a senior I was close to who was a serious athlete (we were also on the chaplain’s team together) got engaged then married to Josh who was a senior in my major department. Why do athletes always get married first?! And Josh wasn’t even a jock though he was the captain of the ultimate frisbee team. Not fair! lol
Work is ok–because I only go 2x a week there’s a lot of work to do so I often stay longer to get everything done. I feel super guilty but there’s nothing I can do about it. Dad keeps saying he wanted me to take a 2 year program instead so I could keep working. But full time + school is never a good mix no matter how many classes you’re taking. I’d rather take more classes than work hours–it’s easier that way and even if you have time to study at work you can’t concentrate very well. It’s working out so far and I like it this way. Plus, even if it was a 2 year program, I still wouldn’t be able to commit 100% to work. I want a job I can completely commit to without distractions. I’d rather sacrifice 1 year rather than 2. But we’ll see how things go. My only regret is that I wish I had more money ><. But who doesn’t?
My plan to visit Lee during Christmas was a little too hasty–I don’t even have time for doctor appointments let alone taking a vacation. I think I get a week off for Christmas–most of which will be spent wrapping presents and sleeping. In reverse order of course. *sigh* I need to start thinking about x-mas gifts but I’m a diagnosed shopoholic which is putting me majorly in debt (thank heavens for parents who pay for 200$ textbooks. There’s a running joke in marketing that *someone* is getting seriously rich off students).
I haven’t visited Cassie in awhile–I’m just trying to slog through 3 hours or more of studying a day. If I keep at it, it becomes more like habit so I don’t dread it as much. I’ve been watching Sherlock Holmes again–I don’t have the attention span for anime right now (I can’t remember plots past one episode with so much other stuff in my head). The apples are falling, my tomatos are still doing well, but dumb aphids keep attacking random things like rhubarb.
So lots of things I’m juggling in my head. I’m really tired today but the three-day weekend definitely helped me catch up on sleep, which is pretty much all I did. We’re walking Lucky around the park again–I got discouraged for awhile because I thought she couldn’t make it anymore but you just have to be super patient with her. Mom went to a female impressionist exhibit in SF yesterday–I’m glad she was able to get out of the house and spend some time by herself. She bought me a T-shirt in China town–got rice. Hilarious! Um, not much else except the grim presidential election coming up. Don’t ask. Just don’t.
{ August 28, 2008 @ 6:34 pm }
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{ Life, Personal }
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You have keep that flame alive as you get older–never forget to have fun. I often pushed that aside in college and as a result missed out on some fantastic party years. It’s been a big step for me–to realize that I don’t have to do everything and be ok with it. I can let go now and set aside time for myself to have fun. It can be hard and may actually require work but it’s definitely worth the effort.
I’ve been acting like a kid for days–the reason? Sims 2 Apartment Life. I’ve slowly been delving into the game exploring one new feature at a time. How do people climb the spiral staircase? What do witches do? What does the community look like? I was so excited I rushed home from school and hit ‘install’ like a kid in a candy store then bounced around the room while I waited for it to load. I jealously checked new screenshots and read blogs–Simmers in Europe had received the game two days ago. Nothing else mattered–not the mountain of reading asignments that I had purposefully left in my car, not the hectic work schedule that awaited me the next day nor the powerpoint attachment in an e-mail a friend sent to check my notes. I was happy, free, and indulging in a little R & R. Embarrassed? Maybe, if I was in public. Do I regret it? Not in the least.
{ August 26, 2008 @ 8:38 pm }
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{ Personal, School }
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I was really nervous going into my first class–I have no idea what classes of this caliber are like. I was intimidated by the students at first too–would they be really competitive like some of the students in my A.P. classes in high school? Some of my high school classmates were really hard core but in college people seemed to stop caring. Plus I was a humanities major so the 10 or so in my department were really laid back (but we could never beat our laissez-faire professors).
My MBA cohort is an eclectic mix–26 students half of whom are international. We’ve only had one class but it seems like my classmates are serious simply because they’re intelligent. The bar’s set pretty high for such fast-paced course work so you have to be sharp to keep up.
I like my first class–Managing and Developing People. Our professor is semi-retired and very nice which is reflected in his grading scale. His 10 page syllabus scared me at first but he’s just precise. I bet he gets really serious when it comes down to it but he makes class fun. I was dreading the 4 hours that I experienced in my summer stats class–I counted every minute like I was being tortured. But the 4 hours practically evaporated–I could tell we had been there awhile but suddenly class was over. I don’t know how much of it is his precise schedule so we know what to expect or the variation in activities so we get caught up in doing something different.
I like class–but I’m worried about our nebulous assignments. Even super nice professors have very high expectations for perfect reports–I’m hoping I can at least do what the professor wants. We have a lot of big projects in this class which I think is pretty typical–one huge style report and an optional extra credit project that reminds me of my social statistics final project where we had to go out and survey people (that was a fun lesson in b.s….)
It will be interesting to see what my other 2 professors are like–1, a young guy who I think is in charge of the international studies program and the other a female professor who doesn’t have a syllabus….
{ August 25, 2008 @ 5:57 am }
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{ Personal, School }
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At least, that’s what it feels like after 20 hours of intense orientation that felt like boot camp. My reaction was a bit overblown, but not by much. A lot of the orientation was redundant–a 3 hour lecture on grammar, plagiarism, and citation that just wouldn’t end and a 1 hr lecture on leadership. Some of it was informative–the lectures on executive prescence, networking, and career services. The group project was really intimidating–we had barely gotten to know each other and knew going into it that group work would be the focus of our classes so we had to learn how to work well in a team. As the only girl in a group of 4 I was hesitant at first because I had pegged one of the guys early on as being over-confident and domineering. But things worked out–I let others speak first and had to run to catch up most of the time. One of the guys was really good at B.S.–at the last minute he dictated a wonderful speech for our paper that flowed perfectly. I felt out of place and tried to contribute what I could but I don’t think I came out looking very good. But then–I always put myself down. But my presentation skills definitely left a lot to be desired. A lot.
I made friends quickly with the other 8 girls in our class of 27 and I’m happy at least that I know a few people well who I can turn to when things get rough. I liked meeting 2008 alumni–they told us the honest truth about how hard the coursework can get and how important the cohort is. Everything is about a team which is a really accurate picture of the workplace. I need to get more comfortable playing a balancing act. The ropes course was fun–not campy as I’d feared–and the ice breaker was kept to a simple introduction.
But now as I take a 1 day breather before the first day of class I realize how overwhelmed I am. I hope that doesn’t translate to being out of my depth but I think I can handle this. We’ll see how class goes tomorrow. At least I got my books today with a generous donation from my mom which helps because I’ll be skipping work tomorrow–I feel really bad, especially because everything was so last minute and the material for class is centered around business ethics. I definitely haven’t been a good employee–I haven’t been appreciative or even happy to be there. They’ve made far more sacrifices than I have and I need to acknowledge that. I’ll try to go in to work before school but if there’s group work after that makes for a really long day. We’ll see.
{ August 21, 2008 @ 10:09 pm }
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{ Brand Whore, Lolita, Personal }
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Yes–that’s right. What do I do when I’m stressed and depressed? I shop. Plain and simple. Best if you do it drunk–at least, that’s my approach to on-line purchases except I tend to remember the little indiscretion in the morning when I see my credit card lying on the table like scandalous lingerie. Today I had clam nigiri sushi, bought 4 summer blouses with wonderfully embroidered hems, and a pair of lounge pants with a classic vertical print that reminds me of spring in an English cottage. In my defense I’ve been in sore need of blouses and they drape beautifully accenting my small upper frame and modestly hiding the rest. My next purchase that lay behind double panes of perfectly polished glass are Chanel or Gucci sunglasses–I prefer the logo to be discreet yet noticeable: two overlapping crystal Cs where the lenses meet the temples. Is that too much to ask?
I also bought a purse for my loli outfit *sigh* But if I’m going to go all out I hate for one part to be glaringly absent. At least, it’s absent to me which translates as obvious to everyone else because it’s revealed in my body language. If you have a beautiful dress, lace petticoats, polished leather shoes with bows and criss-crossing straps, and perfectly pressed striped socks would you settle for just any bag? I don’t think so. Plus–I’m a brand whore. Maybe that should be the title of my blog! (in all sincerity–I’m not joking). The dress and petticoat are from Baby, the pearl necklace from Alice & the Pirates, the socks from Metamorphose, and the purse is from Innocent World. I was economical with the shoes–lovingly purchased from Ebay. Matching black rose earrings and ring I put together from Etsy–all in all it’s been a work of love. I need to figure out what to do with my hair though…and getting in the car is definitely like shoving a cream puff through a key hole. I get so hot!! And it’s not because it’s black–it’s the sheer effort of getting ready and putting on 200 things. I always wondered why I get super dehydrated when I try on clothes…
{ August 20, 2008 @ 7:18 pm }
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{ Life, Personal, School }
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And with that acknowledgement comes it’s evil green-eyed twin: jealousy. Envy of those whose lives are relatively care-free or those who are presented with optimistic and rose-tinted options. I make decisions because I have to according to the suffocatingly stuffy precept of ‘it’s supposed to be better for me in the long run…’ Choice A or B won’t make me happier or offer moments of fun versus its counterpart that’s comparatively boring and droll. I have to make decisions that leave me crying because both are necessary and to remove one is like losing a limb. But I’m not really attached to either one which only stirs up the emotional whirlwind even more.
I have to decide between working and getting an MBA. Let’s see….suffering through countless hours of studying awful subjects I’ll never even begin to understand versus working at a slow but comfortable accounting desk for a low hourly rate. Needless to it didn’t take me very long to come up with the short list of pros and cons. It’s money now, though very little, versus increased salary in the nebulous future if I emerge a graduate. That’s really what it comes down to because in my heart I know I don’t want to do this program but the sad and very frightening truth is: what else would I do with myself?
So either way I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do but isn’t that life? I just like to be willfully ignorant most of the time as most people are and pretend I have a choice in the matter. Is that too much to ask? I hate it when I’m forced to make a decision I know I have to make anyway and it’s not one I’m going to enjoy. Major frustration! Which is why, when my brain spaces out from too little sleep and too much stress I indulge in a little jealously. I’m jealous of my cousin who’s married to a wonderful man with a perfect baby, lives in a neat house, and is a corporate lawyer but her husband just told her she doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to. The money he receives from a family business is more than enough to support them even when factoring in the six figures she must have been making. It’s not fair!
I want what everyone wants and what continues to elude me despite my best efforts to capture it: happiness.
I thought as a child that happiness was a given, that it was something that came with being an adult and making your own decisions. They would ultimately lead you where you wanted to go and you had money and maturity to support you. But I know now happiness is more valuable than money and harder to come by. Those who have it are the richest people in the world and can slow down and appreciate their lives while everyone else struggles with hating their own.
I know I have nothing to complain about and that life has been kinder to me than most. But I’ve also had my hard knocks too and been between a rock and a hard place more times that I can count. There have been decisions that have been life altering, some smart choices while others were doomed to failure from the start. The hardest part about making a decision, for me, is simply deciding with the certainty that it’s the right choice. How do you know? How does anyone know? Down one path is bitter misery, down the other a road of happiness bathed in sunshine. I’ve walked through more thorn briars than I can count and have many scars to prove it. But I’m no wiser than I was when I was 10 and often wish I could start all over again. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I’ve made and I feel that I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting for recognition, for acceptance, for education, for money, for independence, for love, for identity, and for faith. I’m tired–I don’t want to fight anymore. Every hill looms even taller than the last and I still haven’t caught my breath. I don’t think I ever will. I want happiness but I think even more I just want peace. I don’t want to be a part of this hectic, fast-paced world that steals your sanity and your sense of balance. It’s an awful, empty feeling that’s only partially filled by the love of others. I’m just….tired.
{ August 20, 2008 @ 3:47 pm }
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{ Family, Life, Personal }
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My mother’s birthday is one of the big events of the year. I love giving gifts and planning parties so family birthdays and Christmas are always a huge undertaking requiring several months of shopping and organizing. It’s fun to try and find something unusual that the other person can use instead of just a decorative piece. I try and come up with themes and usually try a few new recipes. I bake a cake for my dog, set aside a special day for my mother, and buy a gift for each member of the family on Christmas. My mother and I are the givers in the family–my dad and younger brother are the complete opposite and wouldn’t know how to wrap a gift to save their lives (that’s always been my official duty). In fact most of my family is like that but it makes me even more determined to take up the slack. I’ve always sent cards ever since I was little even though it’s now become an almost archaic art. You send a card saying simply, ‘I was thinking of you today…’ but the reactions you receive range from surprise to embarrassment. Sending a greeting card is usually reserved for formal occasions, birthdays, or thank yous. But my mom and I happily disregard this rule and send each other notes every chance we get.
So this year I gave her several gifts from Williamsburg, a new table cloth, a book, and several small items. My brother and I pool money and buy her flowers, a cake, and balloons. I decorate the house the day before according to a set color scheme and light candles when she comes home. I kept recipes simple this year after the Mother’s Day fiasco (I stayed up until 2am trying to bake a Boston Creme Pie. It turned out ok after the 3rd try–but there was only half a cake). I made granola for Greek yogurt parfaits and poured warm honey over figs decorated with a dollop of mascarpone. I bought Italian pastries and stayed away from the Martha Stewart website. Everything turned out well and the banana cake I bought was lovingly made by hand at a patisserie. So this year seems a success–we’ll see when she opens the gifts!
{ August 15, 2008 @ 7:14 pm }
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{ Personal, Rants }
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I read an article recently about a traumatized elephant named Jenny at the Dallas Zoo who suffers from severe bouts of depression and stress disorder. At first I thought it was a little funny–an animal with depression but then I quickly smothered that thought with the bitter reality that we, as humans–or rather one particularly insane circus trainer–had done this to her. How can anyone do something like that to an animal? I’m not taking the ‘poor, pitiful creature’ position in the slightest. Dogs, cats, domesticated and wild: all deserve respect and the freedom to fufill their needs. Yes, in a way it is our responsibility to care for them if only for because we deny them that very freedom to be animals but we need to be aware that caring for something inevitably means controlling it.
I try not to drive fast in country or residential areas not only because of the speed limit but because I’m terrified that an animal will run across the road be it a deer or a squirrel. I don’t think I’d ever recover from hitting another living creature which is driven home whenever I pass roadkill (a horrible term in and of itself). But how could you knowingly whip and beat an animal into submission until it’s so traumatized it gouges itself with its trunks and repeatedly bashes its head into the wall? It would be no different if that was another human and it’s this cold, clinical detachment that’s so downright frightening. I see animal rescue shows on TV where barely recognizable, scruffy mutts are found cowering in backyard pens. I treasure every moment with my dog and even if I didn’t have enough money to see that her every doggy-desire is fufilled I would still care for her in the same way. A wild animal is no different. Near my grandmother’s retirement community a starving cougar was spotted near a woman’s home. Its ribs were poking through its skin and it was obvious that it had been driven into a populated area by hunger. So what did the authorities do? They couldn’t seem to wait until someone with a tranquilizer gun showed up (even though the animal mostly hid under a bush and never attacked anyone) so they decided to shoot it.
Jenny needs to be in a sanctuary where people no longer interfere with her, as it should be.
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