Well, I’m not actually living with it but it’s still there…all the time. My mother had stage 0 breast cancer that they recently removed without any problems and no sign of residual cancer in surrounding tissue. It was contained in a milk duct and was a non-spreading type. So hopefully she’s all done and just has radiation therapy ahead of her.

My grandmother however has a more severe case of breast cancer that’s deeper but on the same side as my mother’s. She already had 1 surgery but is scheduled for another. She also had a lymph node removed and thankfully the oncologist determined that the cancer is solely in her breast tissue. My mom and I think she should have a mastectomy at her age (83) but she adamantly refuses. I think she’s just denying the severity of her disease–she doesn’t even know what stage it is or the specific kind of treatment she will need to go through. I can’t blame her though but I don’t want her to give up.

My grandfather just finished radiation treatment for esophageal cancer that was located just above his stomach. He’s doing ok so far but was hospitalized at one point because he couldn’t bring himself to eat. So we went over to his house a lot and sat down with him to a warm dinner. Plus his wife also has cancer so it’s difficult for the 2 of them to help each other. My poor dad–both his parents and his wife have cancer. They were all diagnosed around the same time too.

It’s just been really hard overall. My mother’s brother was also diagnosed with cancer if you can believe that and at the same time but his unfortunately is non-treatable and has spread to his kidneys. So far he’s doing ok. It’s just a day by day thing.

I’m only 23 and I have to think about what all this means for me. Should I have a mastectomy now? I know people who have who don’t want to be faced with a silent enemy in the future. But I’m willing to accept that risk. I want to raise my children normally and then consider it, if that’s in my future.

But it’s been hard–I have to make sure my mom doesn’t feel the limits of her illness. I need to ensure that she doesn’t feel like she’s missing anything or slipping in her duties as a mom and wife. One thing she loves is babysitting her grand-nephew Theo (11 months) 3 days a week. At first though she couldn’t lift anything for about 2 weeks so I babysat him for her. I know it would have been devastating if she had to give him up. I stopped working for a month and concentrated on spending time with her and going to school.

And now I’m back facing an even longer road. It’s not as scary this time but still full of dangers. I hope my grandmother is able to free herself of cancer and make it through radiation ok. I hope my grandfather won’t slip into remission.  And I pray above all that this was the last battle my mom has to fight.

You move between two states, awake then asleep in your mind. As you consciouness rocks back and forth your mood shifts with it like the wash of the tide over the whispering sand. First drunkenly happy, the next strangely soulful and reflective. The next swing is deeper–pensiveness fades to morosity, a deep black pool of empty sorrow.

vade mecum [vah-dee make-um]

Since I haven’t written in a while….

Sharon called me while I was at a lecture about Walgreens. She’s doing well in Florida but the workload is overwhelming. I can totally relate. She said she’ll be going home for a month next summer (I wish I could visit her in Malaysia!!!) but she’ll be back around the time I graduate so I think I’ll stop by and visit. She’s staying in a large townhouse with Michelle, another international student from Linfield, so there’ll be plenty of room for a guest. I can’t wait!! Even a month into this dreaded program I’m dreaming about graduation. I want to travel!!! I’m not sure of the quality of visiting must-see sights on my own. I’ve only ever traveled with family or friends like when I stayed in Japan. I know I want to visit China for a few days. I’ve been dreaming about Beijing for years–in under a week you can see the Forbidden City, tombs of emperors, and the Great Wall!! (plus most hotels have amazing spa packages). On the way there or back I’d like to visit Sharon and Lee. We’re all so busy with school I don’t want to bother them during Christmas (I only have a week off anyway).

My grandpa has to have radiation because the cancer in his stomach was later determined to be Stage 2. Poor guy! We all complemented him after his surgery because he looks younger and healthier than he has in years.

Other than that nothing much. I don’t think I’m going to go to Y-Con. Reading manga is good enough XP Maybe next year. I know I’m wasting a 40$ ticket but do I really want to go to a con with raving fangirls?? (And I mean raving). I know I have a beautiful outfit to wear but no one wants to go so I’ll hold off for now. I slept all day yesterday (a 4 hour nap then I crashed at 4pm and woke up at 9. Chatted with my parents, then went back to bed until 6am) It’s probably because of my 1/2 business presentation on Friday. It was so nerve-wracking but I’ve gotten better at presenting.

So next week is a regular school week. In two weeks I have Wed. off so I think I’ll get a massage *sighs happily* I’d rather spend 200$ on a massage than a nice purse any day. My goal when I have a substantial income: get a massage every weekend lol

As the days get longer, the classwork harder, work challenges more tedious, and my eyelids seem to become impossbily heavy I find myself often imagining a sunny island somewhere surrounded by an impassable atoll. I suprise myself because usually the sand in all manner of places does it for me. It’s fun when you a kid and you can play around in the surf all day. When you’re older, you worry about sunburn, who’s looking at you’re new bikini, if you’re staying hydrated enough to make your skin glow, and if the sand is giving you a rash. Like I said, an impossible dream if it features me on a beach. Or I must be desperate.

Personally I’m just looking forward to that Pearly Gate day called ‘Graduation’. As far off as it seems I feel like I’m floating toward it as if I’ve been given wings. It’s a narrow dot of light, as distant as a star, but I never lose sight of it. I keep thinking of ‘what ifs’ which somehow seem to make the now more bearable. What if I made a 6-figure salary, what if I could save a portion of my school loan to cover a round-trip flight somewhere. So I’ll indulge myself–if only because I was up until 2:30am writing a marketing report, almost slept in too late, ran to work, and was greeted by a *mountain* of paperwork *sigh*.

If I had that much money…I would buy a brand new apartment that allows dogs so I wouldn’t worry about fleas from the pets of previous owners. It would be on the top or nearly the top floor with a wide breezy balcony and impossible views. The horizon would always be clear, the wind sweet. There would be miles of golden hardwood in every room that reflect the amber lamplight like gold. I would have one shag carpet in the living room to add a little warmth, texture, and toe-comfort. The living room would be modern, a deep leather couch and artful coffee table in the shape of driftwood or some bulbous statue. The classic, marble fireplace would be gas, the mantle filled with items from my travels. The dining room would be mostly vintage wood pieces lending it a Victorian/medieval feel. A solid, extremely heavy table that fits seven and was probably carved right out of the tree.  There would be a sideboard on clawed lion’s paws and two sturdy brass candlesticks. I’m more flexible on the kitchen–preferably dark marble countertops to knead bread on, a 4 burner stove, and a deep oven with several racks. A microwave, mixer, and neat porcelain jars lined up like little buddhas that contain all number of things. The entrance hall would have a small table with a relaxing image and religious statue, preferably a water feature with wall hangings the color of the surface of a pond when it’s hit by sunlight. There would be no clocks, no obvious signs of the hectic pace of modern life. No 80s answering machine just inside the door or ponderous grandfather clock ticking away the seconds of your life. My bedroom would be the same–an impossibly wide bed as soft as a cloud with thick yet breatheable comforters and half a dozen lumpy and decorative pillows. There would be a nightstand on either side for balance but soothing decorative pieces instead of electronics (I would have to put up with an alarm clock though). Plants would be scattered throughout if they could be guaranteed to stay healthy without direct sunlight–maybe I would just permit one in the bathroom to add life to an unhealthy area.

Do I miss August? Considering I don’t know where it went…I’m not too sure. Not much has happened–Pepi had his surgery last Tues. and so far he looks amazing and says he feels a lot better. I managed to get through my first week of MBA classes and Mike started school this morning. Last week it was a consistent 95 degrees. Lucky is acting a lot better–she looks healthier and acts more energetic ever since mom started cooking meals for her (plain pasta, sweet potatos, plain meat like boiled chicken, and cooked carrots). She’s a real pampered pooch now.

I Just learned that Christina Kirk is married. That’s the first old-friend I’ve known who’s married besides Nicole. It’s funny–in college a senior I was close to who was a serious athlete (we were also on the chaplain’s team together) got engaged then married to Josh who was a senior in my major department. Why do athletes always get married first?! And Josh wasn’t even a jock though he was the captain of the ultimate frisbee team. Not fair! lol

Work is ok–because I only go 2x a week there’s a lot of work to do so I often stay longer to get everything done. I feel super guilty but there’s nothing I can do about it. Dad keeps saying he wanted me to take a 2 year program instead so I could keep working. But full time + school is never a good mix no matter how many classes you’re taking. I’d rather take more classes than work hours–it’s easier that way and even if you have time to study at work you can’t concentrate very well. It’s working out so far and I like it this way. Plus, even if it was a 2 year program, I still wouldn’t be able to commit 100% to work. I want a job I can completely commit to without distractions. I’d rather sacrifice 1 year rather than 2. But we’ll see how things go. My only regret is that I wish I had more money ><. But who doesn’t?

My plan to visit Lee during Christmas was a little too hasty–I don’t even have time for doctor appointments let alone taking a vacation. I think I get a week off for Christmas–most of which will be spent wrapping presents and sleeping. In reverse order of course. *sigh* I need to start thinking about x-mas gifts but I’m a diagnosed shopoholic which is putting me majorly in debt (thank heavens for parents who pay for 200$ textbooks. There’s a running joke in marketing that *someone* is getting seriously rich off students).

I haven’t visited Cassie in awhile–I’m just trying to slog through 3 hours or more of studying a day. If I keep at it, it becomes more like habit so I don’t dread it as much. I’ve been watching Sherlock Holmes again–I don’t have the attention span for anime right now (I can’t remember plots past one episode with so much other stuff in my head). The apples are falling, my tomatos are still doing well, but dumb aphids keep attacking random things like rhubarb.

So lots of things I’m juggling in my head. I’m really tired today but the three-day weekend definitely helped me catch up on sleep, which is pretty much all I did. We’re walking Lucky around the park again–I got discouraged for awhile because I thought she couldn’t make it anymore but you just have to be super patient with her. Mom went to a female impressionist exhibit in SF yesterday–I’m glad she was able to get out of the house and spend some time by herself. She bought me a T-shirt in China town–got rice. Hilarious! Um, not much else except the grim presidential election coming up. Don’t ask. Just don’t.

You have keep that flame alive as you get older–never forget to have fun. I often pushed that aside in college and as a result missed out on some fantastic party years. It’s been a big step for me–to realize that I don’t have to do everything and be ok with it. I can let go now and set aside time for myself to have fun. It can be hard and may actually require work but it’s definitely worth the effort.

I’ve been acting like a kid for days–the reason? Sims 2 Apartment Life. I’ve slowly been delving into the game exploring one new feature at a time. How do people climb the spiral staircase? What do witches do? What does the community look like? I was so excited I rushed home from school and hit ‘install’ like a kid in a candy store then bounced around the room while I waited for it to load. I jealously checked new screenshots and read blogs–Simmers in Europe had received the game two days ago. Nothing else mattered–not the mountain of reading asignments that I had purposefully left in my car, not the hectic work schedule that awaited me the next day nor the powerpoint attachment in an e-mail a friend sent to check my notes. I was happy, free, and indulging in a little R & R. Embarrassed? Maybe, if I was in public. Do I regret it? Not in the least.

I was really nervous going into my first class–I have no idea what classes of this caliber are like. I was intimidated by the students at first too–would they be really competitive like some of the students in my A.P. classes in high school? Some of my high school classmates were really hard core but in college people seemed to stop caring. Plus I was a humanities major so the 10 or so in my department were really laid back (but we could never beat our laissez-faire professors).

My MBA cohort is an eclectic mix–26 students half of whom are international. We’ve only had one class but it seems like my classmates are serious simply because they’re intelligent. The bar’s set pretty high for such fast-paced course work so you have to be sharp to keep up.

I like my first class–Managing and Developing People. Our professor is semi-retired and very nice which is reflected in his grading scale. His 10 page syllabus scared me at first but he’s just precise. I bet he gets really serious when it comes down to it but he makes class fun. I was dreading the 4 hours that I experienced in my summer stats class–I counted every minute like I was being tortured. But the 4 hours practically evaporated–I could tell we had been there awhile but suddenly class was over. I don’t know how much of it is his precise schedule so we know what to expect or the variation in activities so we get caught up in doing something different.

I like class–but I’m worried about our nebulous assignments. Even super nice professors have very high expectations for perfect reports–I’m hoping I can at least do what the professor wants. We have a lot of big projects in this class which I think is pretty typical–one huge style report and an optional extra credit project that reminds me of my social statistics final project where we had to go out and survey people (that was a fun lesson in b.s….)

It will be interesting to see what my other 2 professors are like–1, a young guy who I think is in charge of the international studies program and the other a female professor who doesn’t have a syllabus….

At least, that’s what it feels like after 20 hours of intense orientation that felt like boot camp. My reaction was a bit overblown, but not by much. A lot of the orientation was redundant–a 3 hour lecture on grammar, plagiarism, and citation that just wouldn’t end and a 1 hr lecture on leadership. Some of it was informative–the lectures on executive prescence, networking, and career services. The group project was really intimidating–we had barely gotten to know each other and knew going into it that group work would be the focus of our classes so we had to learn how to work well in a team. As the only girl in a group of 4 I was hesitant at first because I had pegged one of the guys early on as being over-confident and domineering. But things worked out–I let others speak first and had to run to catch up most of the time. One of the guys was really good at B.S.–at the last minute he dictated a wonderful speech for our paper that flowed perfectly. I felt out of place and tried to contribute what I could but I don’t think I came out looking very good. But then–I always put myself down. But my presentation skills definitely left a lot to be desired. A lot.

I made friends quickly with the other 8 girls in our class of 27 and I’m happy at least that I know a few people well who I can turn to when things get rough. I liked meeting 2008 alumni–they told us the honest truth about how hard the coursework can get and how important the cohort is. Everything is about a team which is a really accurate picture of the workplace. I need to get more comfortable playing a balancing act. The ropes course was fun–not campy as I’d feared–and the ice breaker was kept to a simple introduction.

But now as I take a 1 day breather before the first day of class I realize how overwhelmed I am. I hope that doesn’t translate to being out of my depth but I think I can handle this. We’ll see how class goes tomorrow. At least I got my books today with a generous donation from my mom which helps because I’ll be skipping work tomorrow–I feel really bad, especially because everything was so last minute and the material for class is centered around business ethics. I definitely haven’t been a good employee–I haven’t been appreciative or even happy to be there. They’ve made far more sacrifices than I have and I need to acknowledge that. I’ll try to go in to work before school but if there’s group work after that makes for a really long day. We’ll see.

OK–you’ve got to be kidding. I just looked at the itinerary for MBA orientation and it consists of the usual, expected mandatory speeches but also includes a rope’s course and ice breakers. Rope’s course?! That’s rediculous! I haven’t done that since Counselor in Training (C.I.T) for Girls Scouts when I was 14!! I don’t want to get to know my classmates—I want my MBA. Period end of subject. I don’t want to play name games reminiscent of rush in college—I just want a degree. This is ridiculous—8am-5pm Friday and Saturday? This is such a joke–I can’t believe at this high degree of education that I’m required to do such demeaning, pointless things. Yeah–maybe when I was a teenager and understood team-building activities. But an MBA?! I have a B.A. for Pete’s sake!! You HAVE to be kidding!!! How many students are in this program anyway?! They’re all 30+, right?? WHY!??!!?!?!?!?!?!