Depression=spending??

{ August 21, 2008 @ 10:09 pm } · { Brand Whore, Lolita, Personal }
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Yes–that’s right. What do I do when I’m stressed and depressed? I shop. Plain and simple. Best if you do it drunk–at least, that’s my approach to on-line purchases except I tend to remember the little indiscretion in the morning when I see my credit card lying on the table like scandalous lingerie. Today I had clam nigiri sushi, bought 4 summer blouses with wonderfully embroidered hems, and a pair of lounge pants with a classic vertical print that reminds me of spring in an English cottage. In my defense I’ve been in sore need of blouses and they drape beautifully accenting my small upper frame and modestly hiding the rest. My next purchase that lay behind double panes of perfectly polished glass are Chanel or Gucci sunglasses–I prefer the logo to be discreet yet noticeable: two overlapping crystal Cs where the lenses meet the temples. Is that too much to ask?

I also bought a purse for my loli outfit *sigh* But if I’m going to go all out I hate for one part to be glaringly absent. At least, it’s absent to me which translates as obvious to everyone else because it’s revealed in my body language. If you have a beautiful dress, lace petticoats, polished leather shoes with bows and criss-crossing straps, and perfectly pressed striped socks would you settle for just any bag? I don’t think so. Plus–I’m a brand whore. Maybe that should be the title of my blog! (in all sincerity–I’m not joking). The dress and petticoat are from Baby, the pearl necklace from Alice & the Pirates, the socks from Metamorphose, and the purse is from Innocent World. I was economical with the shoes–lovingly purchased from Ebay. Matching black rose earrings and ring I put together from Etsy–all in all it’s been a work of love. I need to figure out what to do with my hair though…and getting in the car is definitely like shoving a cream puff through a key hole. I get so hot!! And it’s not because it’s black–it’s the sheer effort of getting ready and putting on 200 things. I always wondered why I get super dehydrated when I try on clothes…

Life is Hard

{ August 20, 2008 @ 7:18 pm } · { Life, Personal, School }
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And with that acknowledgement comes it’s evil green-eyed twin: jealousy. Envy of those whose lives are relatively care-free or those who are presented with optimistic and rose-tinted options. I make decisions because I have to according to the suffocatingly stuffy precept of ‘it’s supposed to be better for me in the long run…’ Choice A or B won’t make me happier or offer moments of fun versus its counterpart that’s comparatively boring and droll. I have to make decisions that leave me crying because both are necessary and to remove one is like losing a limb. But I’m not really attached to either one which only stirs up the emotional whirlwind even more.

I have to decide between working and getting an MBA. Let’s see….suffering through countless hours of studying awful subjects I’ll never even begin to understand versus working at a slow but comfortable accounting desk for a low hourly rate. Needless to it didn’t take me very long to come up with the short list of pros and cons. It’s money now, though very little, versus increased salary in the nebulous future if I emerge a graduate. That’s really what it comes down to because in my heart I know I don’t want to do this program but the sad and very frightening truth is: what else would I do with myself?

So either way I’m forcing myself to do something I don’t want to do but isn’t that life? I just like to be willfully ignorant most of the time as most people are and pretend I have a choice in the matter. Is that too much to ask? I hate it when I’m forced to make a decision I know I have to make anyway and it’s not one I’m going to enjoy. Major frustration! Which is why, when my brain spaces out from too little sleep and too much stress I indulge in a little jealously. I’m jealous of my cousin who’s married to a wonderful man with a perfect baby, lives in a neat house, and is a corporate lawyer but her husband just told her she doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to. The money he receives from a family business is more than enough to support them even when factoring in the six figures she must have been making. It’s not fair!

I want what everyone wants and what continues to elude me despite my best efforts to capture it: happiness.

I thought as a child that happiness was a given, that it was something that came with being an adult and making your own decisions. They would ultimately lead you where you wanted to go and you had money and maturity to support you. But I know now happiness is more valuable than money and harder to come by. Those who have it are the richest people in the world and can slow down and appreciate their lives while everyone else struggles with hating their own.

I know I have nothing to complain about and that life has been kinder to me than most. But I’ve also had my hard knocks too and been between a rock and a hard place more times that I can count. There have been decisions that have been life altering, some smart choices while others were doomed to failure from the start. The hardest part about making a decision, for me, is simply deciding with the certainty that it’s the right choice. How do you know? How does anyone know? Down one path is bitter misery, down the other a road of happiness bathed in sunshine. I’ve walked through more thorn briars than I can count and have many scars to prove it. But I’m no wiser than I was when I was 10 and often wish I could start all over again. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I’ve made and I feel that I’ve been fighting my whole life. Fighting for recognition, for acceptance, for education, for money, for independence, for love, for identity, and for faith. I’m tired–I don’t want to fight anymore. Every hill looms even taller than the last and I still haven’t caught my breath. I don’t think I ever will. I want happiness but I think even more I just want peace. I don’t want to be a part of this hectic, fast-paced world that steals your sanity and your sense of balance. It’s an awful, empty feeling that’s only partially filled by the love of others. I’m just….tired.

Giving from the Heart

{ August 20, 2008 @ 3:47 pm } · { Family, Life, Personal }
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My mother’s birthday is one of the big events of the year. I love giving gifts and planning parties so family birthdays and Christmas are always a huge undertaking requiring several months of shopping and organizing. It’s fun to try and find something unusual that the other person can use instead of just a decorative piece. I try and come up with themes and usually try a few new recipes. I bake a cake for my dog, set aside a special day for my mother, and buy a gift for each member of the family on Christmas. My mother and I are the givers in the family–my dad and younger brother are the complete opposite and wouldn’t know how to wrap a gift to save their lives (that’s always been my official duty). In fact most of my family is like that but it makes me even more determined to take up the slack. I’ve always sent cards ever since I was little even though it’s now become an almost archaic art. You send a card saying simply, ‘I was thinking of you today…’ but the reactions you receive range from surprise to embarrassment. Sending a greeting card is usually reserved for formal occasions, birthdays, or thank yous. But my mom and I happily disregard this rule and send each other notes every chance we get.

So this year I gave her several gifts from Williamsburg, a new table cloth, a book, and several small items. My brother and I pool money and buy her flowers, a cake, and balloons. I decorate the house the day before according to a set color scheme and light candles when she comes home. I kept recipes simple this year after the Mother’s Day fiasco (I stayed up until 2am trying to bake a Boston Creme Pie. It turned out ok after the 3rd try–but there was only half a cake). I made granola for Greek yogurt parfaits and poured warm honey over figs decorated with a dollop of mascarpone. I bought Italian pastries and stayed away from the Martha Stewart website. Everything turned out well and the banana cake I bought was lovingly made by hand at a patisserie. So this year seems a success–we’ll see when she opens the gifts!

Animal Cruelty is Intolerable

{ August 15, 2008 @ 7:14 pm } · { Personal, Rants }
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I read an article recently about a traumatized elephant named Jenny at the Dallas Zoo who suffers from severe bouts of depression and stress disorder. At first I thought it was a little funny–an animal with depression but then I quickly smothered that thought with the bitter reality that we, as humans–or rather one particularly insane circus trainer–had done this to her. How can anyone do something like that to an animal? I’m not taking the ‘poor, pitiful creature’ position in the slightest. Dogs, cats, domesticated and wild: all deserve respect and the freedom to fufill their needs. Yes, in a way it is our responsibility to care for them if only for because we deny them that very freedom to be animals but we need to be aware that caring for something inevitably means controlling it.

I try not to drive fast in country or residential areas not only because of the speed limit but because I’m terrified that an animal will run across the road be it a deer or a squirrel. I don’t think I’d ever recover from hitting another living creature which is driven home whenever I pass roadkill (a horrible term in and of itself). But how could you knowingly whip and beat an animal into submission until it’s so traumatized it gouges itself with its trunks and repeatedly bashes its head into the wall? It would be no different if that was another human and it’s this cold, clinical detachment that’s so downright frightening. I see animal rescue shows on TV where barely recognizable, scruffy mutts are found cowering in backyard pens. I treasure every moment with my dog and even if I didn’t have enough money to see that her every doggy-desire is fufilled I would still care for her in the same way. A wild animal is no different. Near my grandmother’s retirement community a starving cougar was spotted near a woman’s home. Its ribs were poking through its skin and it was obvious that it had been driven into a populated area by hunger. So what did the authorities do? They couldn’t seem to wait until someone with a tranquilizer gun showed up (even though the animal mostly hid under a bush and never attacked anyone) so they decided to shoot it.

Jenny needs to be in a sanctuary where people no longer interfere with her, as it should be.

Revelations of Rice

{ August 14, 2008 @ 6:55 pm } · { Food, Health, Personal }
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Needless to say I have a love/hate relationship with rice. I hate carbs and have been trying to do away with them completely but it’s not just that my favorite foods are carbs (mainly cereal). It’s that they’re filling, a crucial detail that’s missing in most low-cal, vegetarian menu plans.  I can eat very little and plan healthy, no carb choices if I know I can come home to a bowl in the evening. I love rice not only because it complements anything, and I mean anything, it absorbs flavors and fills me up like my once a month, comfort food indulgence: oatmeal. It’s soothing, smells wonderful, and takes me back to my study-abroad term. I know it’s a carb–and white at that–a double evil but all of Asia lives on it and they don’t have serious dietary complications as a result. I can’t live without it–maybe it’s the Chinese in me and the fact that I watch TV-Japan everyday but it’s just….wonderful!! The same inexpressible joy I get from miso shiru–it’s hilarious but look up food blogs related to miso and you get the same euphoric descriptions: “Earthy, wholesome, delicate aroma, buttery texture, warming…” I don’t know why but Japanese food really gets to the core of who I am and helps settle my mind after a long, hard day. Maybe that’s just an excuse and for some reason I never really ate rice until this year but now I can’t seem to live without it. True, I never eat mixed-rice, couscous, tortillas, or pasta fan but white sticky rice…*sigh* It’s like the smell of freshly baked rosemary bread…irresistable!

MBA Checklist—is it fate?

{ August 13, 2008 @ 5:25 pm } · { School }
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*sigh* I’m still in the program!! Who would have believed that one, huh? Well, like those prophets in the desert who stubbornly refused to believe the signs I guess I’m listening now Lord. It’s been one not so subtle push after another but at first I thought I was following my gut instincts. First–I didn’t study for the GMAT and passed the verbal but had a really low math score so I didn’t think I’d get in. I sent the application in anyway hoping to at least get in the 2-year program. But then, at the last moment at the end of June I got an e-mail saying I was accepted into the MBA-One program that’s really hard to get into to. So then I had to take 3 prerequisites in 2 months before August 27. I managed to finish Statistics with an A but couldn’t complete the Micro-Economics course. So again–I didn’t think I’d be eligible for enrollment. So I called and they said that it’s a new requirement and a lot of students were having trouble finishing so if I can take 3 refresher courses before orientation next Friday I can still get in *sigh* SUCH a hastle!! But I can’t believe things keep working out–I was all set to take filler classes at a CC instead because I was certain I was no longer eligible. My mom shook her head when I told her and said that there has to be some underlying purpose to all this. Who knows–I’m just going to keep doing what I’m good at–going with the flow.

TODAY–WED. 8/13/08

  • Registered for 2 courses online–haven’t paid for them yet
  • Paid for PRIMER by phone, need e-mail confirmation to register

What I still need to do:

  1. Buy textbooks for my 1st class
  2. Finish 3 PRIMER courses and registration

Standing on the Edge of a Precipice

{ August 12, 2008 @ 4:45 pm } · { Life, Personal, School }
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I’m just waiting for an e-mail confirming that I won’t get into the MBA program this year. I tried, and maybe I didn’t. At least I have one prerequisite class under my belt. My mother asked me the frightening yet unavoidable question: if you don’t go, what will your future be? I can’t answer that, but I have confidence in the immediate. I know what I’m going to do if, when, I get that e-mail. It’s hard to continue living at home but I love my family and don’t mind–it’s only embarrassing when I admit it to someone other than myself.

I plan to go to a community college and take Micro & Macro Economics plus a fun course like badminton, potter’s wheel, or Japanese to take the edge off while I continue to work. And maybe this is for the best–I probably wouldn’t be able to work at all if I started the MBA program and I have a lot of things to pay for right now (like a ticket ><). Plus I like my job. I will also apply for the JET program to give me another option and just enjoy the moment. I’m secure in my plan and know it’s the right thing to do. I love going to school but right now I want to take it slow. It’s a messy balance of give-and-take in your 20s–debating between job experience and a degree leading to a higher salary. You need both but often it’s not possible to do them at the same time. And more importantly I want both–it’s just going to be a steeper uphill slope than I thought and easing my way into it might be the best path. I don’t want to sound like I’m talking myself into an inevitable decision–I feel more comfortable taking courses at a CC than going ahead with the MBA program.

What I’m into

{ August 11, 2008 @ 5:14 pm } · { Life, Lists }
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I’m sure a year down the road my 23 year old self will be of interest if only because I have a memory like a used tea bag and can’t even remember what I had for breakfast. Plus it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around this age–I never imagined myself after 20 picturing it like a steep downward slope that ended in a precipitous cliff. So everything I am and everything I’m feeling is exactly what it’s like for me to be 23:

  • I love to go for runs, about a mile 2-3x a week
  • I take my cocker spaniel for walks
  • I look forward to time spent with my 7 month-old cousin
  • I’m constantly adding to my iTunes library (ABBA anyone?)
  • I watch pirated anime when I can’t sleep
  • I don’t have much time for reading anymore but I just bought a garden-essay book
  • I like to watch my vegetables grow–I just bought a rutebega transplant
  • A top item on my wish-list is a tripod–I like to tinker with my SLR camera
  • I dream of having enough $ to travel (top picks: Inverness & Beijing)
  • I spend what little $ I have on Japanese lolita outfits
  • I study Nihongo whenever I can & watch TV Japan
  • During downtime I build Victorian mansions for my Sims
  • I avidly follow international news on Time & NYTimes, esp. in Asia
  • I dream of visiting Malaysia with my friends Lee & Sharon
  • I do as much housework as I can for my mom and like suprising her with flowers
  • I like planning gifts, throwing birthday parties, and ruining cakes
  • I can’t cook to save my life but at least I can make rice

What Happened with the Gymnastics Preliminaries?

{ August 11, 2008 @ 4:52 pm } · { Olympics 2008 }
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I’ve followed my favorite U.S. gymnasts since the Nationals and watch every interview. They seemed well prepared and excited to show the world their stuff but choked during the qualifications round on both floor and the uneven bars. Was it simply due to shaken nerves after Samantha Peszek sprained her ankle during a warm-up 5 minutes before the beginning of the trials? I held my breath and watched as Bridget Sloan pounded into the mat during her floor routine, her performance strong and flawless until she miscalculated and landed with both feet outside the line. But visually at least it wasn’t too bad, just a degree too far. But then Alicia Sacramone compounded the slip-up by having one of her own and it was far worse. Her last sumersault catapulted her way over the line and even if you blinked you wouldn’t have missed it. It started to look like someone had moved the line before the prelims.

But I love these girls and believe in them–they just need to shake off the jitters and put their heart into the finals. My favorite to watch is Nastia Liukin–I like her clean lines, willowy form, and ballerina-like flexibility and dexterity. But I was disappointed when she fell backwards after overcompensating on the dismount on uneven bars. Thankfully it wasn’t a huge error like Chellsie Memmel’s who slipped off when she couldn’t get a good grip. But it Nastia is all about grace and perfection and it wasn’t graceful. But her overall routine was beautiful and I felt bad for her when her father winced and turned away. None of these mistakes were intentional and I don’t want to sound overly critical–they gave it their all and did the best they could in the moment. And everyone was really solid on the beam. I just wanted a perfect intro for a great team that’s tried really hard and I’m sure they did too. So what happened exactly?

My One & Only Love

{ August 11, 2008 @ 3:53 pm } · { Family, Life, Personal }
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I’ve tried to find substitutes, try different sizes, temperaments, and coats but nothing comes close to the heart stopping affection that wells up within me when I so much as see a photo. The object of this overwhelming affection? Cocker Spaniels. And not just any spaniel–I’ve oohed and aahed over Britneys, Cavaliers, Field Spaniels, and Springer Spaniels but the American Cocker Spaniel steals my heart every time. Is it because of my own darling–a sweet nearly all black runt American and English mix with a beautiful, nap-loving soul who receives multiple hugs and kisses daily without complaint? Or is it just natural proclivity that indelibly settled my mind the first time I picked up a newspaper to search for local cocker spaniel breeders? All I know is that I can’t-and won’t-fight it and will always be an avid fan of Cocker Spaniels–mostly the American kind because Lucky has the eyes and nose of her American mother but the elongated body and comportment of her English father. She’s a sweetheart and was rambunctious and uncontrollable as a puppy and it broke my heart when she cried herself to sleep after we brought her home when she was just 6 weeks old. I know her habits better than my own and have an uncanny motherly instinct that’s constantly tuned in to her needs. The night before last for example I heard a soft whimper, barely discernible over the blare of the Olympics on TV. I informed my mother that Lucky was at the front door but she easily dismissed it saying that she hadn’t heard anything and that my father had taken her on a ride to drop off his parents. But I was insistent and immediately went to open the door whereupon I was greeted by a very happy spaniel.

I bake a cake for her on her birthday–the 4th of July–and occasionally give her one of her favorite foods–apple slices coated in a thin layer of peanut butter, carrots, or grilled chicken. She’s just adorable and such a sweet dog–I can’t believe I was 12 when we first got her and now I’m an adult. Time just flies–I wish I could be with her forever. I love to dress her up for Halloween which she only barely tolerates, she gets her own stocking and gifts at Christmas, and I console her whenever my mother babysits her great-nephew. On walks Lucky makes me stop every 2 feet to sniff the local dog urine telephone book and she loves to chase cats until she’s about a foot away then runs off scared. She hates water and dreads baths but lives for car rides and prefers sleeping to doing anything even remotely resembling exercise. Thank goodness we’re past the potty-training phase–I don’t think I could go through that again lol I love my dog–she’s my night and day. I know it may sound strange and Americans are famous for anthropomorphizing their pets. But my affection is natural and instinctive–not engendered by popular culture or force of habit. She earns every drop of love she receives and I immediately drop whatever I’m doing whenever she needs a hug.

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